84 min: England 1 - 3 Australia Sven looks totally radged off as Aloisi runs down the right and, just before he is about to be dispossessed by King, rolls the ball ahead to Brett Emerton, who hares into the box and slips the ball under Robinson. From nothing, Jenas breaks down the right, swings in a cross, and Jeffers stoops to glance a header into the left-hand side of the net. England haven't done much yet, but they're still looking better than the other lot. Lazaridis is causing all manner of mayhem down the right, where Mills is struggling. Full time: England 1 - 3 Australia: The soul-searching starts here and now. After a unsuccessful spell as manager of Accrington, Beattie coached at Swansea under Garry Monk, but left after Monk was dismissed. And the number of times I've seen that "So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu / Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you" T-Mobile ad today has now reached 263,483. Cole now plays alongside Steven Gerrard at LA Galaxy. Lampard loses the ball to Neill, who lumps the ball forward. Meanwhile, Andrew J Morris wants a sing-song: "F**K off Aussies, F**K off, F**K off, F**K off Aussies, F**K off, F**K off repeat ad nauseam." 71 min: Emerton and Aloisi one-two down the centre of the pitch, but with a three-on-two situation presenting itself to the Aussies, Aloisi's final long ball is poor and skitters out for a goal kick. Jesus - you really have to wonder with ads like this.". A great goal this. Almost 17 years after the Socceroos faced England in their first match on English soil, we’re going to relive that historic game in full on Tuesday, 21 April. Kick-off should be at 8pm, although there may be a delay due to congestion; an announcement is expected soon. It's miles off target, but that's not the point: they're attempting it and expecting it to come off. England do absolutely nowt for the rest of the half, and then walk off to boos. I'm not understanding this at all. One of the most decorated defenders in living memory, Ferdinand was powerless to stop Australia springing a surprise. 3 min: Owen takes the ball off the toe of Kewell and is upended by Skoko, who has clearly learned all he knows from Kevin Muscat. 29 min: This should have been two for the Aussies. Doesn't stop him taking it, though, and it's a complete aimless hoof into the Aussie box. "If I've seen it once I've seen it a thousand times.". If you are not already dying with laughter by this point (or running to buy whatever it advertises) then you are surely left with no option once a couple of burly looking types walk in. It's teeth-gratingly awful, and seems to have been designed for the sole purpose of generating violent hatred of the upper-middle classes. Image: David Beckham is floored during England's friendly defeat to Australia Owen Hargreaves Despite numerous injuries hampering his chances of success, Hargreaves went on to win 42 England … Another debutant, Jenas was a rare bright spark at the Boleyn Ground, earning an assist for England's goal. 23 min: Schwarzer nearly gifts Owen a goal by trying to dribble round him. "By the sound of things the UK T-mobile ad campaign rivals the one over here in the U.S. for sheer horror," opines Andy Wood. 86 min: Kevin Muscat comes on for Paul Okon; he's got four minutes to maim and/or kill someone. I'm not that transparent, am I? The 36-year-old is still playing, having completed the 2015/16 campaign with QPR. 41 min GOAL England 0 - 2 Australia. That'd give the Aussies something to sing and dance about." Current England captain Wayne Rooney made his debut in that friendly and will feature at the Stadium of Light this week when the sides meet again. And here's an example: they win a corner, which Murphy takes, but the half-decent centre is headed clear without challenge and Emerton is sent scampering up the pitch in acres. asks Kester Newell. A bit-part player for England, his appearances are spread over an 11-year period. He is now a director of a sports recruitment company. Kewell finds himself free down the right again. Welcome everyone to what will surely prove to be the most meaningless friendly in a long time. 11 min: Campbell rises above everyone to head a Beckham corner towards goal, but it's hacked clear. Half-time advert check: The number of times I've seen that T-Mobile ad today has now risen to 263,484. 63 min: Rooney runs into Craig Moore in the Aussie box, and there are desperate cries for a penalty. When the Socceroos famously shocked Sven Goran Eriksson’s team by defeating them 3-1 at Upton Park, Rooney was debuting as a 17-year-old and growing Everton superstar. 61 min: A couple of good runs for Vassell down the right followed by a dinked ball forward from Murphy that nearly finds Rooney down the left. 75 min: Australia are trying to take the sting out of this now, and England don't seem to be able to do much about it. I'M GETTING UPSET HERE. 14 min: Kewell is causing Cole merry hell; he cuts inside from the left and slaps in a shot that only just misses the right-hand post. I watched Sky Sports News for over an hour today, and the one for elephant.co.uk was on three times." Has it come to this? asks Alison Jeeves. England player ratings: Night to forget for Maguire, Ten years on: Inside the takeover that saved Liverpool, Southgate: Maguire big enough to deal with stick. "You're five minutes behind the commentary and have nothing to say at halftime except drivel on commercials," points out the perceptive Charlie Goddard. "Mr Em? England won 20–17 to win the Webb Ellis Cup for the first time, also becoming the first European side to win the cup. 17 years and 111 days. England are all over the place. The corner's cleared. Best known for his time in a talented Leeds side, Mills surprisingly never represented his country at Wembley despite winning 19 caps - a record for an England player in the modern era. ONLY one player from Australia and England’s 2003 friendly still remains in either squad today. And it's made even worse by the sound of Barry Glendenning telling me that Scotland have gone 1-0 down to a goal from Kevin Kilbane, for goodness sake. Ferdinand sweeps up and all looks lost, but Kewell robs him blind and finds himself one-on-one with James, on the right-hand side of the England box. With no competitive fixtures scheduled, it was a relatively quiet year for the Socceroos having only 3 friendly matches, all away from home. The cross is only just hacked away. "What sort of focus group research leads T-Mobile to believe that the British would rather buy a phone from a tap-dancing elephant than Ms. He is another who works as a TV pundit. This has been coming. That man is Wayne Rooney. Two friendlies in the latter half of the year saw Ireland come from a goal down to win 2–1 in Dublin in August followed by a September win over Jamaica when Harry Kewell's second half goal gave Australia a 2–1 victory. Australia: Schwarzer; Neill, Moore, Popovic, Lazaridis; Emerton, Okon, Skoko, Chipperfield; Viduka, Kewell. He'd go on to win a total of 115 caps for his country and after retiring in 2013 at PSG, the former Manchester United, Real Madrid, AC Milan and LA Galaxy midfielder remains one of the most marketable figures in the world. 59 min: Remember what I said about this half's England being better than the previous lot? Forget it. The match was also renowned for England making eleven substitutions at half time. However, the fixture in March against England made headlines due to Australia recording a famous 3–1 victory over their hosts. Sven's selection policy? 34 min: A couple of moments of mild improvement from England. 46 min: OK, a whole new England team, and it's taken me ages to work it out. Kind of, Paul; it's an appropriately lame reference to Emile Heskey recycled from this edition of the Fiver. Now, some would argue that anyone soft enough to sit in front of Sky Sports News for over an hour deserves all they get, but I'm inclined to sympathise with Kevin. With no competitive fixtures scheduled, it was a relatively quiet year for the Socceroos having only 3 friendly matches, all away from home. A great goal this. He now works as a television pundit and co-commentator. Shouldn't you be working for the Sun or Beano?" If you don't subscribe to it, you should. 1 min: Michael Owen and Daniel Bedingfield, no, hold on, it's James Beattie, kick off. Total sensory hell. Having formed a formidable partnership with Ferdinand, Campbell played an integral part in creating a solid-looking England. Recently enjoyed a stint as player-manager of Indian Super League side Kerala Blasters, before returning to the UK to be a television pundit. 6 min: Neville fouls Lazaridis on the left; the free-kick is Beckhamesque in its aimlessness. England 1 Australia 3 … Kewell drops a shoulder and walks round the keeper, before sending the ball into the net. Anything headed down would have beaten James, but big Mark attempts to loop the ball over the West Ham keeper, allowing the long drink of water to tip the ball over the bar. A homosexual in the dressing room? Whoever does the media buying for T-Mobile wants a good kick up the arse. 64 min: Emerton and Popovic are bossing the midfield, and England can't get the ball back. England v Australia in 2003: Where are they now? "I see you mention my particular non-fave, the oh-so-funny housemates cleaning up," writes Mark Fox. 26 min: Kewell makes Cole look out of his depth on the right wing yet again; his cross is too long and bounces harmlessly out. He now works as a pundit and co-commentator for TV and radio. 5 min: First meaningful touch for Beattie, who takes up the ball on the right and sends it sailing towards Schwarzer. Fraser Moors wonders whether England should challenge Australia to a queueing competition in order to be able to win something; Justin Cooney is demanding diuretic drug tests all round; while Simon Herbert, currently residing in America, has decided to burn his passport and is never coming back home again. Goodnight everyone, and thanks for all your emails. After retirement in 2012, Campbell turned his attention to politics, unsuccessfully campaigning to be the Conservative candidate to become Mayor of London. There are a few boos - but who can argue with this result? Despite numerous injuries hampering his chances of success, Hargreaves went on to win 42 England caps, impressing most at the 2006 World Cup. 89 min: Now Australia have ascertained that they're better than England at everything - cricket, rugby, football, maintaining utility vehicles - they're trying it on from all angles. 43 min: Beckham nearly pegs the Aussies back after receiving the ball at his feet on the right-hand edge of the box; he storms towards the goal but can only toe-poke into the side netting. Owen is set free in the Aussie box and pokes the ball wide of the left-hand post; then Lampard wins a free-kick which is sent aimlessly down the pitch by, yes, you've guessed it. Do you mean Mr Ed?" asks Amanda Mills, and she's got a point. Careful, Andy, she's a bit litigious.

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